I’ve just read an excellent post at Mummy Do That! In fact I’d urge you to read it before you read this one. It may help this one make sense Off you go then, I’ll be waiting…

That post made me think about my myself and my own life, I love posts that do that. Straight after I read the bit about what holds her back the thing that holds me back popped into my head, as if it’s always there but comes to the fore when the subject is mentioned, or when I’m faced with a situation which threatens to turn my fear into reality.

I have a fear of failing. I don’t worry about how I will react, I’m actually very resilient and happy to get back up and try again or try somethingelse. I worry about other people’s reaction to my failing. What will they think of me, are they judging me… that kind of thing and it can be debillitating forever having to factor in the chances of failing at anything for fear of being judged, especially when you’re walking a slightly alternative path. Note: I realise this is my problem and nothing to do with the actually very supportive people around me.

The old saying about not worrying about what others think is easier said than done for me.

I wanted to write this post because I felt that accepting the fear, bringing it into the open will help me conquer it.

What holds you back in life?

If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

I don’t know who originally wrote this but I think I read it on a blog, probably a few years ago now. We all moan about things like lack of money, poor behaviour of children or our lack of success at X but often rather than changing our behaviour to achieve a different outcome we blindly do the same things and then wonder why we aren’t making progress.

Whenever I’m feeling in a rut I remember this line and try and change my behaviour in some way.

When I’m lacking the courage do proceed with an idea, I refer to this piece of advice.

Unless you do something differently things will never change, you’ll always struggle to make ends meet, the kids’ behaviour will deteriorate and you’ll never achieve all you’re capable of.

Do something different today. You may be surprised by the result. I was

This is a post for the sleep is weak writing workshop, prompt 5

As parents, are we using our role as an excuse to stay within our comfort zone?

We have our ‘purpose’, the media tells us we should be immediately and indefinitely fulfilled. I relish being a parent and the challenges it provides. But it’s not enough. Parenthood fulfills one apect of my pshyche, but what about the other part, the part that yearns for recognition, measurable success and the rush that is created when challenging yourself.

Throughout my (relatively short) life I have thrived on a challenge. Competing in acrobatics, leading a national first aid team (cadets), passing out of TA basic training, and most recently returning to education and completing maths and social science courses. Although I have challenged myself a couple of times since becoming a parent, it’s nowehere near enough. I haven’t stepped out of my comfort zone as often as I could/should have. Why?

Indecision

This is the main culprit for me. I tend to have a lot of wacky and outside-of-the-comfort zone ideas but I lack the focus to follow through on any one challenge. I’m trying to rectify this by allowing the readers of this blog to choose my challenge for me. The poll’s in the sidebar if you want to help an indecisive mummy out?

Time

It’s the long time complaint, there aren’t enough hours of the day. If you can truly examine and honestly assess that you have not one spare hour a week then to be honest you’re probably already outside of your comfort zone. If however, when you break it down that your day is taken up with many unnecessary time wasters that could be trimmed, then there is time, and no excuse to not step outside your comfort zone.

Don’t Want to Appear Selfish

What is it about parenthood that ignites the martyr in us? We have to be constantly busy, crafting, cooking, educating are children with Baby Einstein products and ALWAYS doing more than our spouse. Parenthood gives you the ticket to the best argument ever – Who does most? – why is it the best argument in the world? Because you can argue about it forever and never establish who does most. Why? Because everyone’s doing more than they’d like to be, and not really enough for themselves. It’s time to get a tiny bit selfish and recognise that it’s OK to nurture yourself as a seperate being whilst still managing to nurture others. It might even benefit everyone if you are more contented.

In 2009 take small steps…

It’s coming to that time of year when everyone begins to talk about resolutions. My resolution is simple. Try New Things. It’s in my byline, and in 2009 it will become my motto. Rome wasn’t built in a day and the first metaphorical brick (for me) will be a simple reader chosen challenge that will push me to do something I wouldn’t usually. By the end of 2009 I expect to be embarking on bigger challenges that push me further and further outside my comfort zone.

What will your resolution be? Jo’s going to join me in my challenge, feel free to join in and step outside your comfort zone too.

I finished reading this book a little while ago and to be honest I wasn’t going to bother doing a review because I didn’t really know what to say.

I wasn’t really sure what I got out of the book, although I’m in the perfect demographic that it should help – a worrier that carrys around a lot of emotional baggage. The byline is ‘How to Get Rid of Your Emotional Baggage and Live the Life You Want’, and as I read that byline again now I think perhaps I have gleaned more than I think.

The book teaches a ‘method’ of letting go of feelings that prevent you from reaching your potential and can be practised in all areas of your life. I found it quite eye-opening just how much I was carrying around that was needless and sapping me of energy that could be re-distributed to help achieve my dreams and ambitions.

I would say this book is worth a read if you are a worrier, you feel a bit ‘foggy’ in your life, or you are holding onto damaging feelings and thoughts from your past. If you can buy second hand do so, save trees and your pocket if it doesn’t hit the spot.

Buy The Sedona Method

Two years ago I was working as a nursery assistant earning very close to the minimum wage, I had job-hopped my way through almost eight years of my life working mostly in offices. After trying several different careers I was still no closer to deciding what I wanted to ‘do’.

For five years I had suffered in varying degrees with Crohn’s Disease, I was worried that if we waited too long to have a baby something awful might happen that would render me infertile, for Alex and I, a life without kids was pretty much unthinkable, we have always wanted at least one child, so, ten months after we married we decided to go for it.

I finished up work in November 2006 to begin an undecided length of maternity leave.

16 months later and I barely feel like the same person. The changes in me are more than I could have expected and not just the direct changes that motherhood brings.

I have learned so much from a combination of motherhood, ‘think time’, blogging, books etc… I know now that I was low on confidence, I’d had a few bad job experiences that were eating away at me and ensuring that I never felt good enough as an employee no matter what I did. My career choices haven’t matched up with my strengths or even my preferences, this was leaving me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Over the last 16 months I’ve had a series of epiphanies and at times it has felt like a journey of self enlightenment as well as the parenting journey I originally embarked on.

I am quite entrepreneurial. I am ambitious. My ultimate dream requires me to earn (and save!) quite a bit of money . My career must align with my morals and be a constant challenge.

Over the past couple of months I have made moves to put my own life and career on the right path.

How has motherhood helped me grow? It has taught me that nothing good is ever easy, in fact, it is very very hard. The principles I apply to parenting can be applied quite nicely to my future career. When you choose to aim your goals at the highest level there is no such thing as failure, there is only not being perfect. I’m content with not being perfect.

My fear of failure has, up until now, has led me to jobs that are well within my capabilities but even at those I haven’t performed that well because I always thought I was going to do badly, and therefore, aways did or at least always felt I did. I also became easily bored and disillusioned once I had mastered something and couldn’t bare merely achieving the same thing over and over again.

I have decided to step right outside my comfort zone, and it’s liberating. I’m not so concerned with seeking other’s approval as I have always done. I’m following my dream and if everyone things I’m being silly or overly ambitious then so be it. I don’t want to reach old age and look back with regret, I’m just not satisfied taking the easy and perhaps ‘responsible’ road, and unhappy parents lead to unhappy kids. I want Erin to look to both her parents and see people who tried really really hard to reach their potential.

I have entered this post into Scribbit’s Write-Away Contest – wish me luck

Imagine your life as an onion.

Photo by Flickr user James Jin

You are at the core with several layers around you. The first few layers are jucy and tasty (fulfilling), however, the further out you get the thinner the layers become, the less tasty they are until eventually you come to the final layers and they aren’t tasty at all. You get rid of those layers.

That is pretty much your life (I’ve only had one tia maria honest!)

You are the centre of the onion. The first few layers represent food, shelter and clothing. The next layers are your car, phone, internet, annual holiday. The final layers are the take-aways, boozy nights out, excessive amounts of cds, dvds, jewellery, the third (or fourth!) television, the starbucks coffee every morning (that old chestnut eh?)

The first layers are life’s necessities and thus should be paid for and provided before everything else. So that is ;

Food

Mortgage/Rent

Clothes (basics only)

Second layer items are luxuries, although nowadays they are often seen as necessities. Examples are;

A (yep, that’s just one) Car

Annual holiday

Phone and Internet connection (not necessarily a mobile)

You should only have these if you can afford them (ie if you have met the necessities above and saved the desirable amount – more on that later).

The final layer represents the extravagances. Take-aways, alcohol, designer stuff, entertainment. These should be seen largely as treats. Often, however, these are the reasons people justify working long hours.

This (very) simple chart represents a sensible way to apportion your earnings to each ‘layer’. The larger lilac section is the necessity section (food, shelter, clothing & savings). The indigo or dark purple section is the car, holiday, phone, internet bit. And the smaller blue slice is the luxuries budget. If you stick to this kind of income divider no matter what you earn you can live comfortably and retire on time (or early!) – as the more you earn the more you will be saving and investing too.

You can read more on budgeting and investing here in a ‘simple’ 3-step plan to growing rich slowly.

If you cut down on extravagances you can simplify your life.

Less extravagance > Less money > Less work > More FREEDOM

More time to spend doing what you love. The same principles apply to time. Cut down on tv and other wasteful time-users, you could free up the time for what you really want to do. Read my post on finding that 25th hour for strategies on how to release more time for hobbies, family time, exercising, blogging or starting a new business (stay tuned for my next series!).

Not really sure if you want to simplify your life, try it for 30 days and see what impact it has on your life……You can always go back

That concludes the ‘Authentic Series’.

Part 1 – Introducing Authentic Living
Part 2 – Authentic Choice
Part 3 – The Happy Formula
Part 4 – Authentic – A Religion?
Part 5 – Authentic Education
Part 6 – Finding Your Purpose
Part 7 – Simplify Your Life

Religion – there I said it, are you cowering at what is to come. Or maybe it’s just me, because as soon as I hear the ‘R’ word in my house I know my husband is gonna be on a rant, a 5 minute one if I’m lucky….much much longer if not.

He is an atheist (my words not his), but it goes further than that, he vehemently discredits religion at any and all opportunities. He is not usually forceful with his opinions.

His main arguments roughly are; no proof of any God, believes that followers are misguided at best, weak willed at worst, religion being a major cause of war and hurt.

He is not a man without morals though; he believes in caring for his family, being faithful, working hard both in work and in being a good person, against violence and theft. Not because a book (the bible?) has told him too but because he knows these are the morals that equal a good person.

So back to Authentic Living, instead of a biblical 10 commandments, what if we were to replace them with our own promises.

I will care for my family as best I can; this will help society as I will rear children in a positive manner and hopefully the chances will be higher that they will become positive citizens and in turn their own children will be positive citizens

I will be faithful to my husband

I will not go to church on a Sunday, I will make this family time; doing something together (notice the first commandment in simple terms is to put God before any other, is God going to look after my baby?, is he taking active steps to rear good citizens to rid society of it’s evils?)

I will live within my means; (an important one in today’s society) where possible I will buy what I can afford and afford what I buy, by doing this I will not need to steal

I will endeavour to be a valuable member of society; If I see someone in trouble I will try and help, I will not turn my back.

Maybe if God were visible and active today (some may say that he is?, I say, if the eyes can’t see and the ears can’t hear then how do I know), then his commandments may have been updated to make them more relevant today. Maybe he/she would changed them to put family first, to live within one’s means, not to be so concerned with taking names in vain and attending church but to live a life that is good, and that makes us happy – surely that is more important?

For now then I will live my own life and make my own rules. I will live authenticly.

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Out of interest I did a search on the definition of the word ‘normal’.

The definition was ‘common’. The synonyms included ‘average’, ‘commonplace’, ‘general’, ‘ordinary’, ‘run-of-the-mill’, ‘standard’, ‘typical’ and ‘usual’.

Doesn’t sound that great does it. Being normal. So why does everyone want to be normal?

Social conditioning, familial and community acceptance.

Ok so we all want to be normal for good reasons but what is normal? Is your normal the same as my normal? Not everyone’s normal can possibly be the same because surely being normal is being and doing what is right…

‘There is no right than is more right than your right’ Neil Crofts

Now, then, we are not looking to find what is ‘normal’ but what is right…..for ourselves, and, of course our family.

What is right for me;

I have made a list. At the top will be what is most important down to what is less important (but still important) at the bottom. Erin is at the top over my husband only because she is more dependant on me.

Erin (her happiness and health)
My Husband (his happiness and health)
My Health (my happiness is Erin’s and Alex’ happiness and health – already on the list)
My Home (house and location)
Hobbies

* I have not included the rest of our family in this, of course they are very important to us all but I did not think it right to include them as I can’t be responsible for their happiness.

So if what is ‘right’ = happiness

The Happy Formula

Then happiness = Erin + My Husband +My Health + My Home+ Hobbies (being at optimum levels for supreme happiness)

Erin – In my mind (and my husband’s), will be most healthy and happy when she is loved and cared for by a family member, ideally me.

Therefore I must make looking after her my full time job (so to speak).

My Husband – He is happy when we (Erin and I) are happy, doing a job he enjoys and pursuing hobbies. Oh yes and he would also like a house with a drive to stop the car getting wrecked!

Therefore he must do a job he enjoys and I must make sure there is time for him to pursue hobbies outside work time.

My Health – I have Crohn’s Disease so this one can be particularly difficult. Smoking and stress are the main triggers.

Therefore I have given up smoking (over a year ago) and not working and rushing about means lower stress levels.

My Home – We would like to live in a more family friendly location, preferably in a house with a garden.

Therefore we need to earn enough money for this, so I have been working on a few projects from home and my husband makes sure that he is earning as much as he can whilst still doing a job he enjoys (because this is higher on the list than our home).

Hobbies -Alex’ hobbies, my hobbies, and doing activities that Erin enjoys.

Therefore to pursue hobbies you need time, so at least two days a week should be left free (providing monetarally we can afford to pay for essentials, house, food and bills).

Still with me?

So for my happiness; I must look after Erin, being a full-time mum. I must take care of as much of the home affairs as possible so that Alex can pursue hobbies outside of work (as much as is possible with a baby!). I should continue not to smoke and try and find work that I can do at home. We should keep at least two days free where possible to be a family and pursue hobbies.

That is what we should do, that is what we do, and that is why (for the most) we are happy.

This is not gloating, anyone can do this and work out what will make them happy and what is right for them. You might be surprised at how low money and material objects come on your list, and, if they are at the top, then you know what you have to do. Be a corporate slave and earn that cash. Good Luck.

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One of the central themes of Authentic Living is consumerism. In this post I will deal specifically with choice.

You may be wondering how choice is a problem. Surely having the ‘luxury’ of choice is a positive thing, and it is, but like most things – it’s best in moderation.

The problem today is that we have too much choice, just take a look at our shopping outlets, only a couple of generations back our relatives were doing all their grocery shopping on one street, probably between only four or five outlets; Butcher, Baker, Fishmonger, Greengrocers… and they could probably do the rest of their shopping on that street too.

Now look at our grocery outlets. Most people now shop in ‘Super’ markets, and, not content with just being super, they are also ‘Extra’.

In the largest stores you can literally buy anything. And everything. CD players next to scourers next to packet noodles next to children’s clothes and so on…..

Consumerism is a problem for Authentic Living as it drives us to earn more money to pay for more ‘stuff’, mostly stuff that you do not need and often that you do not really want (intoducing ebay – auction site for millions of unwanted items).

We’ve all done it , bought something on a whim, maybe it was a ‘bargain’ or it had gimmicky advertising, or it was ‘in fashion‘ (for about ten minutes). Stop for a moment and think about who drives fashion, who decides what is ‘fashionable’, and for how long…..does it feel that fashions/trends move a lot quicker now? Hmm why is that?

Ever heard anyone saying ‘I’m so indecisive’, ‘I can never make up my mind’, the problem here is too much choice, they are worried about making the wrong decision and missing out. I bet if you were to give someone only two alternatives they would find it much easier – I thought I’d test this theory.

Scenario; Person A is coming to visit soon. She is a self-confessed indecisive person.

Me: Hi, when you come up on Monday, what would you like for tea? You can choose anything you want and I will make it.

Person A: Oooohh…hmmmm, I don’t know (panic in her voice) mmmm………uhhhhh……..can you leave it with me? (It was just a quick question?)

Me: Ok, what if I said I only had Lasagne or Steak?

Person A: mmm Steak please.

That was a real conversation. Faced with too many possibilities/choices she hesitated, panicked even. She wanted to choose the best possible meal, she couldn’t choose any. However, faced with two options the decision was made in seconds, she was comfortable with this. A quick comparison could be made because there was no fear of missing out on something better.

Less choice led to more happiness not less. This is probably a surprise to most people.

The same principle applies to children, that is why we only give them two choices or a maximum of three, we don’t want them to be spoilt for choice.

Also as a result of having too much choice, we purchase more than we need. During the confusion of too many choices we can’t make up our minds, ‘I can’t decide’, ‘I’ll just take both’, sound familiar? Or have you ever done your food shopping and found that you have bought more than you can eat? or lots of products but nothing that makes an actual meal? Too much choice

The only solution is to limit our choices ourselves – you could argue that this is choice within itself, and it is, but what alternative do we have in a world of ever increasing choice and variety.

Less choice will make you happier and more content in the long run.

Of course less money = less choice, and I will discuss that further in Part 3

For now though just remember to be a person – your own person, and not merely just a consumer. You are who you are, your are not what you own.

Until next time….Have fun

Little Mummy

Part 1 – Introducing Authentic Living

Authentic Living ; Living a life that’s right for you and that you are comfortable with. Doing a job that you love (whether that be bringing up your children, pursuing a hobby as a business, or writing a book). Spending more time on hobbies and with family. Making the most of what you have and not selling out for the things you don’t.

Just be yourself.

We’ve all found ourselves changing our character to suit work environment, family environment etc… the time we spend being ourselves is diminished and in it’s place a hollow, soulless person remains. A corporate junkie working until 11pm for the next fix; new car, promotion, latest gadget….missing out on the things that real happiness are made of – family, friendship, a sense of belonging, feeling adequate and loved.

Authentic living is about being yourself all of the time, putting yourself first as opposed to money, believing that there is an alternative to working 50+ hours a week, sweating your way to the next promotion only to find that the next step is just more work and another promotion.