Picture the scene: I’m in the bath trying to have a quiet soak when Erin barges in, not an unusual event, in fact it would be a fecking miracle to bath alone without the dog, the child or the husband wanting something. I try hard to ignore her presence but she starts ‘mumming’ at me. I look up to see evidence, her face is red, I look down and her hands are red…

Me: Why are your hands red?

Erin: [ignores me]

Me: Why is your face red?

Erin: [Oh crap I'm in trouble look]

Me: Well? [in my accusing 'mummy tone']

Erin: Promise not to be angry with me?

Me: Tell me first and then I’ll decide…

Erin: I was touching the crown.

Me: What crown? Go and get it…

She returns with a birthday crown fashioned by her nursery buddies, my eyes scan the crown for the offending material..

Aha! (and feeling distinctly like feckin Sherlock Holmes) I spot the red tissue paper.

Me: So why is your mouth red?

Erin: I put it in my mouth

Me: [Feck sake, I give her three meals a day and she's trying to eat red tissue paper?!]

Erin: I was trying to make suncream for my baby

And there we’ve finally hit on this madness, I demand to see the baby and there’s no red on her at all, she’d have been burnt to a bloody cinder poor child.

So, is there such a thing as tissue paper poisoning?

I was reading a post at Ready for Ten on things a ten year old should be able to do and it got me to thinking about what a four year old should be able to do, or rather what it’s helpful for them to be able to do, as I’m comfortable with kids progressing at their own pace.

My daughter’s four and about to start school so I’m very aware of the need for me to help her fill in any skill gaps to make that progression a bit easier. I’ve made a wee list of some of the things I think are helpful for a four year old to be able to do;

* Get dressed and undressed
* Put shoes on right feet
* Say please and thank you
* Use the toilet unaided
* Brush teeth on their own
* Write their own name
* Count to ten
* Help around the house by doing basic chores
* Use a knife and fork to some extent
* Use a pair of scissors
* Ride a bike with stabilisers
* Ride a scooter
* Plant a seed
* Make a sandwich

What would you add?

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Erin had a sleepover at the weekend, her first ever sleepover with a friend.

It came as a bit of a shock really, she doesn’t seem old enough for sleepovers.

As I dropped off ‘Lucy’ and her pyjamas I wondered if she was ready for a sleepover, I wondered if I was ready.

Part of me thought we’d get a late night phone call to come and collect her, a bigger part new that we wouldn’t.

When I went to pick her up the next morning she didn’t run into my arms relieved to see me, she casually continued playing, all grown-up like.

As she skipped up the road with her friend I knew another little bit of her childhood had just slipped away.

Tonight I tucked her in and kissed her head as usual, and then I went back and did it all again.

Tonight I know that one day I won’t be able to go in and kiss her head and tuck her in. Tonight ‘one day’ is hurtling towards me like a high speed train and I’m not ready. Not ready for sleepovers. Not ready for school. Not ready for growing up.

I think you can tell from the title that this is going to be a sensitive subject, but it’s one I’ve been pondering ever since I became a parent.

Becoming a parent somehow accentuates you own mortality, one minute you’re living fast and free and the next you have a small bundle with huge responsibility, you can’t help but worry what would happen if you weren’t here. Actually my ‘living fast’ ended when I got crohns, a chronic bowel disease, and having a chronic illness along with being a parent brings a certain amount of fear.

Julianna Moore said it best in Red

When you are very happy and connected to people in your life, you live in constant terror; you think anything can go wrong at any time. But that’s part of the pact. In order to really be with somebody and have a family , you have to surrender to fear.

This summer we’ll be getting our will in order, Erin’s financial future and practical care (should Alex and I cease to be) is a huge priority and for my peace of mind I must get it sorted, but there’s another uncomfortable job that I’ve been wondering about and that is whether to write letters for loved ones should I pass away prematurely, particular a letter (or letters) for Erin.

I know that people who are expecting to pass sometimes write letters but is it something widely done by all? It’s not a nice thought but any of us could pass at any time and although I tell the people closest to me that I love them all the time there are those days when we’re grouchy, have arguments and say things we don’t mean. Is it nice to have a letter just letting that person know how much they meant to you?

Also, there are things you’d say to an older child that you wouldn’t dream of saying to a four year old.

If a parent dies when a child is young is it nice to have a letter for when that child reaches sixteen or eighteen?

Does a letter help the grieving process?

Does it help with closure?

Would it be a comfort?

These are the questions I’m pondering at the moment.

Have you written a letter/s in case the worst happens?

Have you been in the position of receiving such a letter? Was it a comfort?

It seems that Alex and I have committed the cardinal sin of giving Erin a middle name that she fails to acknowledge, if you ask her what her middle name she’ll shrug, or say that she doesn’t have one. Recently she’s been telling anyone who’ll listen that her middle name is ‘Britney’ or ‘Talila’ (pronounced Tal-ee-la).

Before Erin was born there were some discussions over middle names, I wanted ‘Jecca’ and other such crazy names (hormones?), Alex wanted more traditional alternatives. In the theatre, drugged, overwhelmed and sympathetic towards Alex (Erin was my spitting image) I gave in and let him choose the middle name, a consolation prize I thought (did I mention I was drugged and coming off the back of a week with pre-eclampsia?).

I’m not sure if Alex is hurt by Erin’s outright rejection of her middle name, I wonder whether she’ll grow out of it or whether she’s destined for a lifetime of just leaving it off official documentation. God forbid she changes it to Britney, even Talila would be better than Britney.

So what’s this god awful middle name we’ve Alex has given her….

Alexandra

You can see why he might be a bit hurt!

Erin starts school in August and there’s a sense of change in the air at Chez Douglas. Thoughts are slowly turning to school uniform and the prospect of whole days sans child are looming large. I’ve been a stay at home mum for over four years, by the time Erin is full time at school it will be almost five years since I left my 40 hour a week job. I’ve picked up and dropped a couple of part time jobs along the way but my role has always been that of a full time, stay at home mum to Erin.

It’s been hard.

There was the year living in a top floor flat and getting out for a walk meant scaling four flights of stairs with my completely impractical three wheeler buggy. There were the days when I was ill with crohns and felt that I didn’t have the energy to look after myself let alone another. There were the days when it was me hanging off Daddy’s leg begging him not to go to work. And then there were the tears, because sometimes it’s really hard to just give all of yourself to the pursuit of parenting with little stimulation for yourself.

But it’s also been a privilege, I’m aware that I’ve been extraordinarily lucky to have been afforded the time I’ve had with my daughter, time that now it’s almost gone has actually been little more than a blink of the eye. I listened to her first word, I witnessed her first steps, I was there at her first nativity play, I’ve done it all and I have the memories to prove it.

We’ve had to sacrifice this and that along the way to make staying at home work but it’s been worth it. I’m looking forward to being a bit more ‘me’ and a bit less ‘mum’ but I’m sure as quickly as I have that I’ll miss being at home with Erin too because the grass is always greener which is why I intend to fully enjoy these last few months together and make them the best ever, because it won’t be long before I’m waving her off wondering where the baby years went and wishing we could spend long days together playing play-doh, baking and dare I say it watching cbeebies together.

So since this is supposed to be a ‘mummy blog’ I suppose I should mention something to do with Erin or parenting, it’s been a while (I wrote this sentence before I decided to post about St Andrews on Monday and now I can’t be bothered to think of a new intro, sorry)

So in January we had to decide whether to apply for primary school or defer for a year until she’s five, she’d basically do another year of afternoons at nursery. After about five minutes deliberation we decided that it would be best for her to move up with her friends. Her birthday is in February so she’ll be one of the youngest but the teachers seem confident she’ll cope fine and I think she’s ready for the challenge. We had another lovely parents evening this week, I’m so proud of her, I just hope she continues to get on as well once she’s moved onto ‘big’ school.

Unfortunately last week we received a letter saying that our local village primary school is over subscribed and therefore all applications will be decided by a panel that will be sitting today. Hopefully all will work out, the village rumour mill has been hard at work and we’ve heard that all kids within the catchment should be okay, if not then I shall appeal on health and transport grounds.

In the meantime discussions over school uniform take place on a regular basis on the shool dawdle run, check dresses or pinafores, shirts or polo-shirts…so many fashion decisions, Erin’s in her element. I think I’m going to make a day of it during the summer holidays, taking her out for lunch and helping her choose stationery and blitzing her whole uniform in one go. Don’t tell anyone but I’m rather excited, I miss the whole buying new stationery for school and picking a new school bag, in fact perhaps I should kit myself out before Uni

If anyone has any uniform buying/wearing/organising tips, chip in in the comments I need all the help I can get

I’ve spoken briefly on this topic before but I’ve been thinking about it again since reading notSupermum’s post Can Children Be Born Evil (I agree with her thinking on the matter).

The age of criminal responsibility is ten in England and Wales, and eight in Scotland with plans to raise that to twelve to bring us into line with Europe.

I think there’s a belief that by raising the age is ‘going soft’ on serious crime, and that some younger members of society deserve the punishment. I believe that at ten you understand the difference between right and wrong, but is a ten year old fully capable of the type of thinking that helps them explore various different scenarios and express emotional empathy.

For example when I consider breaking the speed limit, I think of the conditions, the possible benefits of getting to my destination faster and my abilities as a driver. I consider my passengers including how I’d feel if they were hurt or even killed, I think about the other people that could be injured, how I’d live with myself if I killed someonelse’s child including how their parent would feel. I consider my punishment and how I would cope in prison, I think of how my family would cope without me. That’s a lot of information to collate and weigh up, and even as adults we sometimes make the wrong decision.

The other thing that keeps many of us from commiting crime is the idea of letting family and friends down. My family expect quite a lot of me, but what if your family couldn’t care less about you or what you did.

Acording to Kohlberg’s stages of moral development there are six stages of development that children will move through, each stage moving the child from self-centred behaviour to the ability to exercise emotional empathy, and the ability to act in a way that is in keeping with societal expectations and norms. What if the growth of some children is stunted in this area, much the same as some children struggle and fall behind in maths. What if they live in an environment where they have no benchmark or example of acceptable behaviour. What if they have no familial or societal expectations because they are living with a family that are constantly drugged or drunk and pay little attention to them. Do we still lock up the child and throw away the key?

It’s just not as straight forward as seeing an act of extreme crime and comparing it to our societal standards and then deeming it a ‘fail’ and throwing away the key, who’s fault is it that this child has not progressed in the way that he/she should have? It can’t be all his fault, can it?

As a society we should be far quicker to step in and ensure this child receives the appropriate education and upbringing allowing him to become a part of society. It seems that our social work department wait and wait and wait to remove children from homes until it is too late and either serious crime is committed which the child must pay for or the child dies from neglect and abuse. We’ve seen this scenario played out so many times yet it continues to happen.

When I see crimes on tv involving tenagers and children my first reaction of course is anger, along with sympathy for the victim and their family, if they hurt my child I would want them locked up too. But we need to try and rise above that basic instinct and realise that there’s a bigger overall problem that needs to be addressed, as parents we must be clear under what circumstances our children will be removed from us for their own welfare and that of society, in my opinion that process needs to happen much quicker. As parents we must all take responsibility for the raising of our children, but there needs to be more help available when parents feel they can’t cope. Only then can we be sure that we have done everything in our power to prevent such awful events taking and given the child/ren in question half a chance to make better decisions.

Prevention is better than cure.

And yes, I do think that age needs to be raised to at least 12.

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks, between Erin’s birthday and the arrival of our new puppy Daisy we’ve been kept pretty busy. Here’s a lil’ slideshow of Erin’s birthday celebrations, mostly for the grandparents in Wales you understand Hello Nanny & Grandad!

I don’t get it. Why is everyone so hell bent on ensuring that their offspring aren’t gender stereotyped? I’m reading lots of posts at the moment discussing how as a parent they’re going out of their way to promote ‘boys’ toys to girls, and ‘girls’ toys to boys, even though that’s the exact stereoptyping they’re trying to avoid. Then there was the say no to pink campaign or whatever it was called and folk getting their knickers (pants?) in a twist about the colouration of toys and clothes and…

and quite honestly I’m wondering what the fuss is about?? Does it matter, really…

Does wearing pink limit your child’s future potential? Is it really so bad if boys want to play rough with their swords and sabres? Do we need to ensure that such stereotyping doesn’t exist? I mean I totally get that we shouldn’t be promoting it like “Erin, you’re a girl, and therefore you’re forbidden from wearing blue” but it’s natural that kids will want to copy peers and fit into life’s stereotypes we’re all conforming to a stereotype of one kind or another.

I’m more of a tomboy myself and Erin, well she likes jewellery, fancy clothing, shopping and skirts. I have no idea where she gets it from but I’m certainly not going to force her into hoodies and football simply to avoid the stereotype.

So what do you think, is there an issue here, and if so can someone enlighten me…