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Inspiration for this group of articles (listed below) comes from Jack Canfield’s bestseller How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. I am taking the principles from the book and applying them to life as a parent.

During the first few months of parenting it seems like your life has been turned upside down, under the mound of nappies, soothers and pink it’s easy to lose yourself and resign to chief nappy changer/bottle washer status for evermore. There were times when I wondered who I was and what I was doing, and I am definitely the ‘maternal’ type.

Parenting can be all consuming, but, one thing I have found important is to keep my own personal purpose in mind, what do I want to achieve for myself. Erin won’t rely on me forever, it’s my job to nurture her until she can look after herself, and when that time comes I don’t want to realise that my whole life was being lived through her.

My purpose was a little hazy before I had Erin, so for me, finding my purpose (other than aspiring to be the best mum possible) was a task I had to begin from scratch. In fact, in the beginning, I didn’t even realising I was searching for my ‘purpose’ I just needed to establish where my life was going, here is a step by step of what led me to my purpose;

Blogging

I started blogging after Erin was born, I can’t remember exactly why, I probably liked the idea of keeping a diary and sharing what I was learning. It’s been instrumental in me working out what I want for myself, simply articulating ideas and thought processes every day builds a picture of who you really are (which can change somewhat dramatically after parenthood). I quickly found that I was drawn to reading and writing about education and teaching.

Reading

My reading dropped off significantly before, during and after Erin’s birth, I have begun to pick things up now and have been drawn more and more to non-fiction books that can help improve your life ie self development, financial, ‘learn how to’ books. I study the books in great detail and take the points that fit with my ethos and adapt them for my life, sort of what I’m doing in this series.

Formulating a Plan

Over the last few months I have begun to identify strengths and weaknesses which I used to make decisions, like the decision to go back to education and re-train.

Setting Goals

I sat down with my husband and we discussed what we wanted from life, we talked about all the things we want to do before we die, and finally we set ourselves goals to give us the best possible chance to succeed. The goals cover the usual categories parenting, health, finances, work & careers, recreation & hobbies etc…

I hope this article gives you the inspiration to set new goals, rediscover old ones, and makes you feel that it’s ok to have goals that don’t directly relate to your role as a parent.

I’ve already shared my goals this week, it’s your turn now

Other Articles in the Series:

Compartmentalizing Time

Being a good parent is surely better than trying to be a perfect one.

The inspiration for this post comes from this article - Top 5 Ways To Stop Being a Perfectionist

Set Realistic Expectations

For me, realistic expectation in a day includes keeping Erin clean, safe, fed and clothed. I try to provide at least one activity a day which can be a simple excursion to run an errand, a trip to the park/soft play/friend’s house, or an indoor activity like painting or getting a special toy out. Most days I provide home cooked food but on occasion the food may come from a tin. I try to limit ’screen’ time, but sometimes I do resort to a dvd if it’s particularly hectic. She always has clean clothes, if we are indoors, sometimes they aren’t ironed. We have a bath most nights, unless we are running very late.

I think these ’standards’ are just fine. The odd dvd, tin of baked beans and sausages, missed bath time, un-ironed joggers is surely better than a mother who is completely frazzled and constantly snapping?

Give Yourself Credit for What You Have Accomplished

They are still alive. You must be doing something right.

Their sole survival depends on us, if they are thriving then we are doing a good job. Everything they know we have taught them, when you think about it that’s pretty amazing!

Accept That Mistakes are Part of The Journey

We aren’t always going to get it right. Accept when you get it wrong and move on.

If You’re Stuck Seek Help

Doctors, health visitors, magazines, internet, family - I have consulted all at one time or another.

Focus On The Present

This is my favourite tip of all. Life is fast, too fast, take some time out to enjoy the moment tomorrow. You aren’t going too look back in twenty years and wish you didn’t spend more time with your kids.

I’m just sipping a nice cup of coffee and indulging in two jaffa cakes. I’m all alone. Alex is watching the football with his Dad. Erin is out with Granny. My work (which involves talking to a lot of people) is complete, and now I am alone.

I enjoy my own company, I’m not a ‘loner’, but I do get tense and stressed when I don’t get time to myself. Time on your own dissipates when you have kids, if I’m not with Erin, I’m with Alex, or friends, or working. It’s extremely rare that I am completely alone, today I am savouring forty-five precious minutes, before the conveyor belt revs up and it’s time to assume my position as mother, wife and (helpful?) friend once more.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend, alone or not!

Photo by flickr user purplespace

Following on from ‘Socially Recognised Mothering Standards - Pregnancy, Birth & Newborn‘.

9. One should purchase the most expensive pram and swan about like a modern ‘Yummy Mummy’ during the entire first year.

10. One should lavish the child with gifts and expensive clothes, but the child should not become ’spoiled’ in the toddler years to follow.

11. Under no circumstances should you accept ‘hand me down’ or ‘gently used’ clothing or equipment. Everything must be purchased new, at great expense to one’s pocket and the environment.

12. One must decide whether they will become a ‘SAHM’ a ‘WAHM’ or a ‘Career Mum’. Neither choice will end in complete happiness and one must always express guilt. Choices are;

Guilt for staying at home: Not contributing to the homestead coffers.

Guilt for working at home: Not spending enough time with child.

Guilt for working: Leaving the child in childcare (guilt expression levels can directly correlate with your daycare fees, a general rule of thumb is: the higher the fees the less guilt required).

13. One should enrol their child in a variety of activities which should include something physical (gymnastics?), something musical (percussion?) and something academical (spanish?). This ‘regime’ should begin any time from six months but not after the child’s first birthday. One should always brag about their child’s accomplishments especially to those parents who don’t give two hoots that your 9 month old can count to ten in three languages.

14. Amongst other things your general duties should include the following;

Feed the baby (homemade only)
Change the baby
Clothe the baby (matching outfits at all times)
Play with the baby
Read with baby
Wean baby
Teach baby to walk
Give baby massage
Take baby to aforementioned activities

All must carried out in a timely fashion, with patience, whilst simultaneously working, sleeping, have some ‘me’ time, keeping the home gleaming, keeping partner happy.

One must not admit to feeling even a little frazzled.

15. One most throw a large birthday bash to celebrate the first year. Clowns, outside caterers, unicyclists, magicians may all feature. Guest numbers should be in the hundreds, the cost should break four figures. Oh, and don’t forget the bl**dy party bags!!

Just a bit of fun, but a bit of truth too, please add your own!

Socially recognised mothering standards eh? Yeah, you know, all that stuff that as a mother you are expected to do and the unsaid standards you are expected to keep [at all times].

1. One should work until they drop (literally) before beginning maternity leave, you should be so tired you can barely stand up and proceed to give birth the very next day. You should brag to other mothers about said martyrdom.

2. One should have a natural birth which should involve rose petals, water and classical music. Screaming, pain, gore, and pain relief should definitely not feature. One should ALWAYS brag though, if they had a difficult birth and much pain was endured (without pain relief).

3. One should breastfeed their newborn cherub the moment it exits the birth canal, even if they are utterly exhausted and all they want is a nice warm shower. Under no cicumstances should you either accept or ask for the ‘F’ word. (formula)

4. If one has had a Caesarean (which must never be elective) one must bounce right out of bed after only a few hours and proceed with normal daily life as if no major surgery has been undertaken, one must always listen to the nurses when they say you CAN get out of bed, and always ingnore one’s inner voice telling them they are about to pass out.

5. Once home with the newborn one should take to mothering with gusto and confidence, receiving visitors, whilst simultaneously breastfeeding, writing thank you cards for copious amounts of gifts and cooking homemade suppers.

6. One should resume normal sexual activity, preferably, within the week.

7. One should ‘find’ her figure and return to the size 10 skinny jeans within the fortnight. One should ALWAYS brag to her not-so-fortunate friends.

8. One’s beautiful bouncing baby should be ’sleeping through’ any time before six weeks to qualify for bragging rights.

Just a bit of fun, but a bit of truth too, please add your own!

Erin had her feet measured and received her first pair of proper shoes today.

The picture shows the correct style except we chose white (am I mad?!). Clarks were really good, the fitting was professional and they even took her photo in the shoes and entered us into a contest for two years worth of free shoes, so I make that around 10 pairs!!

Note to self: Don’t buy shoes on days when you could only find the same style of sock, not the same colour, which results in an apology to the staff member for falling short of ‘expected mothering standards’.

Erin (oblivious to my shame) was quite taken with her ‘big girl’ shoes and kept pointing and smiling. Aaahh.

Two years ago I was working as a nursery assistant earning very close to the minimum wage, I had job-hopped my way through almost eight years of my life working mostly in offices. After trying several different careers I was still no closer to deciding what I wanted to ‘do’.

For five years I had suffered in varying degrees with Crohn’s Disease, I was worried that if we waited too long to have a baby something awful might happen that would render me infertile, for Alex and I, a life without kids was pretty much unthinkable, we have always wanted at least one child, so, ten months after we married we decided to go for it.

I finished up work in November 2006 to begin an undecided length of maternity leave.

16 months later and I barely feel like the same person. The changes in me are more than I could have expected and not just the direct changes that motherhood brings.

I have learned so much from a combination of motherhood, ‘think time’, blogging, books etc… I know now that I was low on confidence, I’d had a few bad job experiences that were eating away at me and ensuring that I never felt good enough as an employee no matter what I did. My career choices haven’t matched up with my strengths or even my preferences, this was leaving me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Over the last 16 months I’ve had a series of epiphanies and at times it has felt like a journey of self enlightenment as well as the parenting journey I originally embarked on.

I am quite entrepreneurial. I am ambitious. My ultimate dream requires me to earn (and save!) quite a bit of money . My career must align with my morals and be a constant challenge.

Over the past couple of months I have made moves to put my own life and career on the right path.

How has motherhood helped me grow? It has taught me that nothing good is ever easy, in fact, it is very very hard. The principles I apply to parenting can be applied quite nicely to my future career. When you choose to aim your goals at the highest level there is no such thing as failure, there is only not being perfect. I’m content with not being perfect.

My fear of failure has, up until now, has led me to jobs that are well within my capabilities but even at those I haven’t performed that well because I always thought I was going to do badly, and therefore, aways did or at least always felt I did. I also became easily bored and disillusioned once I had mastered something and couldn’t bare merely achieving the same thing over and over again.

I have decided to step right outside my comfort zone, and it’s liberating. I’m not so concerned with seeking other’s approval as I have always done. I’m following my dream and if everyone things I’m being silly or overly ambitious then so be it. I don’t want to reach old age and look back with regret, I’m just not satisfied taking the easy and perhaps ‘responsible’ road, and unhappy parents lead to unhappy kids. I want Erin to look to both her parents and see people who tried really really hard to reach their potential.

Read more about my dreams here

I have entered this post into Scribbit’s Write-Away Contest - wish me luck

Balancing Priorities

The fact we approach parenthood with such high expectations is not surprising. We are the first generation in human history where ‘having it all’ was not only possible, but what we expected.

This final chapter encourages us to lower our standards and expectations a little and focus more on the proverbial houseplant that is our marriage.

Chapter Quote

We accept that the constraints that come with having kids are part of the deal. Unless we’re holding on to the ’sell the children to the gypsies’ idea as a reserve option, we’re pretty wel stuck inside the box. But we do have a choice about how we react to how our lives have changed.

Take-Away Point

A strong message that the parenting phase is just that, a phase, and to stick it out (the marriage not the parenting!) and try harder to squeeze a little more time together.

Conclusion

That concludes my review. Overall well worth the read. The pros far outweighed the cons and if I were in a magazine doing this review I’d give it 4 stars.

Buy Baby-Proofing Your Marriage

Getting More and Giving In: More kids, more chaos

With each child, the love and joy in our homes increases a thousandfold, but so does the general mayhem.

This chapter focusses on the addition of a second, third or plus (!) child/ren, and how you can expect it to affect your marriage.

I particularly enjoyed the chart presenting what you can expect in terms of time, grandparent participation,and pints of milk per week with each additional child - very funny.

Chapter Quotes

With hindsight, taking care of one child was a hobby.

When faced with more kids we have one of two choices: surrender or die fighting.

…we stockpile nappies and baby food like Armageddon is just around the corner.

Take-Away Point

Don’t have more kids.

Only joking.

Proceed with caution Your husband will become more proficient as your family grows in numbers.

Buy Baby-Proofing Your Marriage

In-laws and Outlaws

“This chapter is about how profoundly our family relationships are altered by a baby and how, in turn, these changes impact on our marriages.”

My own experiences in this area have been very positive. Expectations were discussed well before Erin’s arrival and so far there haven’t been any major issues. I think a lot of it comes down to the parents keeping a relaxed attitude and grandparents being mindful of not taking over (too much).

“Who does the baby look like?” It sounds innocent, but it is actually the most loaded of questions.

I was quite taken aback at just how important this was to everyone - I was like who cares, look how gorgeous she is! But to the grandparents it’s *very* important that the child looks like their side of the family.

Remember: Smile and nod, smile and nod. This week she looks like Aunty Jane’s sister next week it’s Cousin John’s youngest nephew. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Chapter Quotes

The gift and picture competitions are, for the most part easily resolved. If grandparents want to blow their pension hiring photographers and buying toys, so be it.

Women are perfectly willing to let everyone else in on the kiddie action as long as they understand that ultimately, we call the shots

No matter how much we love our families, we want them to recognize the pecking order

I would guess that the vast majority of marital arguments would be non-existant if in laws would understand and respect the pecking order, and of course, that applies to both sides.

Take-Away Point

It’s simply a matter of give and take. Oh yeah, and your husband dealing with his fair share of the in-law problems instead of leaving it all up to you.

Buy Baby-Proofing Your Marriage