It was our friend Stuart’s turn to cook last week. For the last couple of years we’ve been taking turns to entertain, and more recently impress with our culinary talents. It started with the humble spag bol, followed by lasagne. Alex impressed us with his Mexican and Stuart’s Thai green curry raised the stakes.
This time was different though, Stuart had been watching Gok.
The promises of ‘wok to plate in 10 mins’ had clearly caught Stu’s attention and not one to shy away from a challenge and the opportunity to impress, he threw his hat into the ring and announced that we’d be feasting on authentic chinese fayre.
Now the thing is with Stu is he’s a cocksure Scotsman, a lovely cocksure Scotsman, but a cocksure Scotsman nonetheless.
Truth is, we didn’t know if he could cash the cheques he was writing, if you know what I mean
When we arrived there were rumours kicking about that he’d been to the chinese supermarket.
A promising start.
And the prawn crackers, while a touch well done in places, WERE delicious. My hopes were raised and I was salivating for the main course. Well I was until I was tasked with changing two shitty nappies. Stuart and Yvonne had twins last year, the ‘twinnies’ were in addition to the two kids they already have. ‘Single Stu’ went from single to married Dad of four in under five years, not bad going!
Shitty nappies disposed of I took my place at the dining room table and anxiously awaited the arrival of the food. Sticky twice cooked pork was carried to the table and I must admit I was impressed. This was quickly followed up with soy chicken, vegetable noodles and spring rolls. It was delicious. Stuart was pleased, well, pleased with the results anyway. He had a message for Gok -’wok to plate in ten minutes my airse’.
The poor bugger was still sweating.
Full up on our main, talk quickly turned to the banana fritters that were to come. I’m not sure who mentioned deep fried mars bar, could have been anyone. This is Scotland after all. I announced that I’d never tried one and Yvonne regaled us of her ‘experiences’. Not just deep fried mars bars, Yvonne had done deep fried boost and crunchie too.
Like a true virgin, I was wide eyed.
She also admitted to greedily hiding the local chippy’s delicacy of nutella calzone from the kids so she could indulge alone, but that’s a story for another day.
I was curious and we were all practically dribbling at this point, we sent the eldest boy to Tesco with strict instructions – 1 x mars bar, 1 x boost, 1 x crunchie – scooter like the wind, son.
As soon as the boy was back the frying began, and then the eating…oh the eating. You know that saying ‘so wrong, but so right’, oh yes that. The mars bar was chewy and yummy. The boost had all but melted leaving the biscuity pieces for crunch. The crunchie began soft and lava like until you put it in your mouth and it went hard and crunchy. It was a delight, and the banana fritters weren’t bad either.
So now I’ve lost my virginity, what next? Deep fried snickers, people. I will report back with all the gory details!