Letters From Beyond
I think you can tell from the title that this is going to be a sensitive subject, but it’s one I’ve been pondering ever since I became a parent.
Becoming a parent somehow accentuates you own mortality, one minute you’re living fast and free and the next you have a small bundle with huge responsibility, you can’t help but worry what would happen if you weren’t here. Actually my ‘living fast’ ended when I got crohns, a chronic bowel disease, and having a chronic illness along with being a parent brings a certain amount of fear.
Julianna Moore said it best in Red
When you are very happy and connected to people in your life, you live in constant terror; you think anything can go wrong at any time. But that’s part of the pact. In order to really be with somebody and have a family , you have to surrender to fear.
This summer we’ll be getting our will in order, Erin’s financial future and practical care (should Alex and I cease to be) is a huge priority and for my peace of mind I must get it sorted, but there’s another uncomfortable job that I’ve been wondering about and that is whether to write letters for loved ones should I pass away prematurely, particular a letter (or letters) for Erin.
I know that people who are expecting to pass sometimes write letters but is it something widely done by all? It’s not a nice thought but any of us could pass at any time and although I tell the people closest to me that I love them all the time there are those days when we’re grouchy, have arguments and say things we don’t mean. Is it nice to have a letter just letting that person know how much they meant to you?
Also, there are things you’d say to an older child that you wouldn’t dream of saying to a four year old.
If a parent dies when a child is young is it nice to have a letter for when that child reaches sixteen or eighteen?
Does a letter help the grieving process?
Does it help with closure?
Would it be a comfort?
These are the questions I’m pondering at the moment.
Have you written a letter/s in case the worst happens?
Have you been in the position of receiving such a letter? Was it a comfort?
I have never received them, but I have wrote them and blogged about it http://themadhouse-themadhouse.blogspot.com/2010/02/writing-workshop-what-were-you-doing.html It was the hardest thing I have ever written and they are both still in the boys memory box should the worst ever happen, but I pray they dont read them until they are old and grey
Oh this made me cry actually. It is something I have often thought of doing but just haven’t got round to. I wrote recently on my blog about the importance of making a will but I haven’t got round to doing that, either.
My father didn’t make a will, but I still have the letters he wrote to me before he died (he had no idea he was going to die) and I absolutely treasure them, so I would say yes, letter are always a comfort. And a tape he made for me because I said I liked Elvis – that tape is more valuable to me than jewellery he gave me, because he wrote all the names of the songs out for me.
I’ve saved all the letters I sent to my son when he went on cubs camp – he brought them home and I think one day he might like to look at them. But I also have a box of all the household stuff and practical stuff I think he might need to know if anything ever happened to me or his dad.
You often hear about people who are terminally ill making a memory box and actually I think all of us should make two boxes – one a memory box, and one with all the important stuff they may need to know in it.
Yes, a very sensitive subject. I think about writing letters to my boys should I ever become terminally ill but haven’t thought about it otherwise. You now have me pondering whethere I should as well.
I never thought about it but I think it’s a great idea. Sensitive of course, but still. I’m struggling with the idea of a will, not because of the sensitivity of the subject but I find it really hard making such decisions.
The MadHouse – Even thinking about what I might like to write makes me cry.
Liz – That’s interesting Liz, and I’m dlag you’ve found so much comfort in the things he left you. The idea of a trasure box or similar is a nice one.
I think our blogs would be somewhat of a treasure box for a youngster wishing to know more about their parents, don’t you think?
If I Could Escape – I think it’s something I’m definitely going to do, I’ll do it when I start sorting our will out.
We sorted out a will when we moved to Ireland. My Hubby has quite a scary job, and it was on my mind that if we both died all their family were back in the UK. As far as the letter goes, I don’t honestly know if I could write it – it makes me cry too, just thinking about it. My friend Carol wrote beautiful letters when she knew she was terminally ill. One was read out in church at her funeral and it was just so lovely to ‘hear’telling all her friends and family how much we meant to her and thanking us for our support. She also wrote individual letters to the kids, and I know they’ve been a great comfort. One thing that I thought was lovely was that she kept them on the computer, and added to them during her illness when she thought of things she’d like to say. When she died she was really at peace, and I think this was part of the reason why. Lovely post xx
I have made memory boxes for my children and have an ongoing project of writing things for my children as I think of them. It’s not because I think that it’ll be needed, but because it gives me peace of mind and I hope they’ll enjoy having them/reading them even when they’re grown up and don’t necessarily need them anymore.
I lost my dad when I was a young teen and I would have loved a letter to read when I was older, on my 18th or 21st or something. I think it depends entirely on the person though, so it’s difficult to make a judgement when your child is so young. You could always write the letter, she doesn’t have to read it if she thinks it will be too painful or she could always save it for a time when she needs to feel you there.
Ella – It’s a nice idea to do just do bits and pieces as I go along.
Priness – You’re right, it’s ultimately their choice to read letters or open memory boxes.
I’m not sure I could bring myself to write to the girls unless I knew I was dying ….it would just be too hard. I’ve made a will, though – then had to redo it after the divorce. Does make you think about it all.