Benign Neglect
Guest Post by ‘mum of teens’
When I read this article by Joanna Simmons in The Times on Saturday a couple of weekends ago, it was as if a million light bulbs had gone off in my head.
Benign neglect is what I’ve been trying valiantly to achieve in our household for the last 18 years. A state of play where there is equal value placed on the general enjoyment of the adults as well as the children.
Where life is not all about jumping up to satisfy their every whim immediately and there is quality time for both parents, individually and as a couple.
It would just be nice to be able to use the bathroom without having someone banging on the door making a demand or, indeed, just barging in to hold a conversation regardless of any complaint on my part.
Every day I see the results of not parenting by this concept… and I’m not just talking about my own offspring here. Because it overflows into their interaction with other non-related adults, with their insistence that those grownups also indulge their desires instantly and, worse, their refusal to accept that life is all about rewards without having to earn them first.
In a world where teachers are also expected to comply with the rules of this new order, discipline and respect go out of the window and the last bastion of hope for future generations with it.
I have regularly heard Roald Dahl’s ‘Matilda’ quoted. Apparently, adults should earn respect, not be accorded it by right of their being bigger and older and, if a child thinks they are wrong or that they are are treating him/her badly, then s/he should be allowed to stand up for himself. Unfortunately, our teachers today are so restricted in the way that they can instill discipline and respect that this can become a cause of great strife within the classroom.
As parents, we all need to start being more selfish and set aside parts of the day that are purely for us with interruptions not allowed. And, as Joanna Simmons said, it is extremely beneficial to take the children out to do the chores with us, rather than leaving them to enjoy themselves with one parent whilst the other accomplishes all the drudgery of life, so they learn that our world is not just one long stream of treats. There are the boring, dull things to deal with as well.
It is incumbent upon us to help our children to understand that they are just a small cog in the great wheel of life, not its central hub… or they will have to learn it the hard way when they are older.
Interesting post – I’m a big believer in benign neglect, too!
I think a tipping point for me was before I had kids when I visited some friends who had given their young child the biggest bedroom in the house. They ? two adults with demanding jobs and a sex life to maintain ? had the box room, so junior could enjoy his space.
I vowed there and then that if I had children, they would understand they were part of a family, not the kings of the family.
That said, I think there?s a balance and I do genuinely think children can only learn about courtesy and respect if they are treated with courtesy and respect, and see their parents treating other people this way.
I always respect Flea?s right to express an opinion, providing she can do so politely. That?s not to say she gets her own way but I will always try and explain why I?ve made a decision she doesn?t like. She?s learned to express her feelings and will say, ?I am cross because I wanted to do X and you said no? rather than throwing tantrums. If she?s very cross, she will take herself off to her room and come back when she feels able to talk to me about it.
I?d like to think that she?s learning skills that will help her to get along with people even when things don?t go her way – I get really frustrated when I hear people speaking rudely to their children or fobbing them off with ?because I said so?. How does that help children to become courteous, considerate adults?
How true!
My daughter enjoys helping with chores – just easy, low-grade stuff, gives her a purpose, even, dare I say it, a sense of validation, and we can work together, which she and I both enjoy. Got to be better than watching another re-run of the Jungle Book. Child-centric parenting has gone too far – you see it in the near-absence of post-natal care for new mothers. Contrast with situation forty years ago when women were encouraged, forced, even! to stay in hospital after delivery until they were well. Now we’re booted out, scarcely able to walk, wash or dress ourselves.
I totally agree. Too little respect, too many confusing rules. It is difficult to deal with teenagers, but I think it is difficult to be a teenager as well! Ciao. A.