A Rollercoaster of a Different Kind
I won’t lie this post is mostly quite depressing so move along if you’re feeling fragile or already depressed. I don’t do it often here but it’s time for an almighty self indulgent moan.
I feel utterly exhausted and terribly sorry for myself and those around me. It’s been a rollercoaster of a year. Every 31st December my husband and I stand together watching fireworks and wonder what the year might hold for us, on 31st December 2009 I said that I thought 2009 was going to be “the best year yet”.
It’s not been the “best year yet”, not quite the worst, but there’s time yet, not that I’m feeling utterly pessimistic at the moment or anything.
The year began well enough when we decided to try for a baby. Less than two months later and we were expecting. Then came the first crash, a miscarriage at six weeks, I coped ok at the time (I think), and getting over it all was helped by my amazing trip to Disney. The trip as I’ve harped on about was fantastic and ended with me finding out I was pregnant again, perfect I thought. Unfortunately a week later came the next dip on the rollercoaster, another miscarriage.
Just a week or so ago we made the big decision to put a second baby on hold indefinitely, seems to me that perhaps my body just can’t do it at the moment, the crohns has been getting steadily worse over the past few months and I don’t want to put us through the elation and disapointment every time, not when I have the best daughter in the world already. It was a difficult decision to make but once it had been made we both felt much better.
Exhausted, but better.
We just needed to see out the last couple of weeks to our holiday and we’d be able to recharge our batteries. Last Thursday we received further bad news, a close family member has died, she was very old and had lived a happy and full life, that we can be thankful for, now we move into grieving for what seems like the third time this year. The family member is on my husbands side, so I will be doing my best to play the supporting role, I feel for him and his family. I also feel for Erin who enjoyed her songs and the sweets and biscuits she’d dole out from her zimmer 
As I sit here typing this I feel utterly done in. I know the crohns doesn’t help with this but it occurred to me just how exhausting grief is. I’m thankful that we only have a few days until we go away now, we need this holiday, hopefully this ‘up’ on the rollercoaster will last a little longer.
PS I know that there are people much worse yaddah yaddah, which is why I post my quite insignificant woes here, tomorrow’s a new day and I know that ‘everything will feel better in the morning’
Thanks for reading if you got this far I feel better now.
You’ve had a crappy time of late. Let’s hope things improve from here and the holiday is just what you need.
L x
I really hope the holiday does you all good and that you can get off the rollercoaster for a while and enjoy some smooth sailing. xxx
Ah chick, don’t torture yourself with how others may be feeling. Be gentle on yourself, it sounds like you deserve to be.
X
Laura – hopefully the second half of the year
Kat – So looking forward to the holiday, I’ve started winding down already!
Surprise Mum – Thanks, sometimes you just feel the need to feel sorry for yourself for a bit, feeling better today.
I really hope the holiday does you some good to refresh and recharge. I find when you stop wanting things so much they seem to happen for you… don’t worry
I’m so sorry the year hasn’t been so good until now. The miscarriages play with your hormones and to the grief physical unbalance is added making you feel really down. Try to look at the future in a positive wau and rejoyce at the good luck of having a lovely family. And pour your frustration ans sorrow here whenever you feel like it. Wish you a fantastic holiday. Ciao. A.
You will feel much better when you are away together as a family…..big ((((hugs))))) xxx
Thanks Margarita, Antonella and Lulu. It’s nice just to get things off your chest.
Sending you a big virtual hug. Hope the second half of the year will bring lots of happiness and health for you.
Low times are necessary to be able to appreciate to more uplifting times. Don’t feel the need to justify this (re: your P.S.).
Going through the rollercoaster of life will be fun sometimes and make you sick at other times….it’s knowing that there are others on the ride with you that will always help – although their experience will always be different!
Go enjoy Florida – you all deserve it! (send our condolences)
Now for my P.s. – All philosopical? – not the usual me but then again, I am now officially middle-aged! – guys, have an amazing time….
Thanks Cartside.
Thanks Tracey, the holiday is finally upon us, nothing like two weeks away to clarify things a little
Gosh, Erica, what a terrible time you’ve had. Hope things are still improving. Give yourselved time to recover from all this and take care x