Who comes first in your house? Your kids, your husband, the dog or….choke….you?
More celeb news fodder from Raising Kids reports that Seal and Heidi (is it just me or is that an odd coupling?) put their own relationship above their kids. They say this is the secret to a happy family life.
Is it selfishness to put your relationship before the kids, or are Heidi and Seal spot on?
I’ve been pondering this a lot over the past week or so…and…I think their spot on. As Seal pointed out family life began with two people in love, and all going well will end with two people in love. It’s important that the relationship is given the attention it needs because without it the whole family unit falls apart.
In many homes I think it’s the children who definitely come first. Attention, energy and money(!) is poured towards them leaving parents feeling frazzled, poor and undervalued. Often parents, and I’m going to stick my neck on the line and say especially mums side with children in discussions over everything from pocket money to bedtimes to chores, leaving one parent (usually Dad) feeling disempowered. This kind of control and level of power can’t be good for kids. Surely the family home needs a hierarchy to make it run smoothly and both parents need to take their rightful place at the head of that hierarchy, backing each other, supporting each other, and making time for each other, ensuring that together they can raise their children to the best of their joint abilities.
My own conclusion is that by putting our relationship first is indirectly placing your children first too, after all its in their interest that mum and dad stay together too.
Who comes first in your house?
8 Responses to “Who Comes First in Your House?”
the adults have to come first, if they aren’t happy with each other’s company there isn’t a hope of the kids being truely happy (spoilt maybe but happy?) It is a difficult balance though, especially in families like mine where the child is at home all day and therefore the centre of attention for a fair chunk of their waking hours. We balance it by making sure she understands that bedtime MEANS bedtime and that after her bedtime I don’t rush round doing all the chores but spend time with Duke instead. Also we make sure that she understands that she doesn’t interupt us unless it’s lifethreatening. I’m probably old fashioned but it’s waht works for us
Really interesting post, something I think about a lot in relation to my own family. We have all sorts of good intentions, but it’s so easy to organise your life around your child. Example: Beanie’s refusing to go to bed in her cot - she will only sleep in our bed, although we would much prefer to have the bed to ourselves. None of us sleep well with Beanie there too and it’s not what we want. Once we get her to sleep at night (in our bed) we transfer her to her cot, but when she wakes up screaming blue murder, we have to bring her back to the parental bed. The only alternative would be to lie awake all night listening to her screams. Not much of an option… I know who’s in control here… it’s certainly not Beanie’s dad or me
My daughter comes first always, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Usually it’s Dh, thinking about it. We all revolve around how things are with his work. It’s all new right now. If we can get the work/home balance right with that everything else falls into place. If he can get enough time to study then I can have time to do something. Give and take. Right now that’s what we have to do to balance.
I agree putting your relationship first is important. I love the book 5 love languages as it helped me see how differently we responded to each other. We find it’s not one way but multiple ways to give each other love and respect.
I just bought the one for children and hope to read it soon ( I think they suggest 6 yr old start so I have a little time to read it.)
This is wonderful, Erica, I completely agree. My grandparents and then my parents both taught that a marriage comes first and then the kids. If priorities are right then the whole family will benefit from that strong foundation and the children will learn how to build their own relationships when the time comes. Plus, my kids will one day leave and I’ll have just Andrew. Too many women have their children gone and are faced with life with a stranger that they’ve ignored for the past 30 years. Men might be tempted to put their jobs first and women are tempted to put kids first, both will damage their marriages.
T-bird I think you’re right about the spoilt thing, parents who aren’t deeply happy often end up just buying stuff for kids to create the happy environment which should be coming from parents united creating a happy home.
Helen, I hope it’s just a wee phase and you can reclaim your bed soon
good luck.
IR - If I were a single parent that’s exactly what I would say too, I know that’s how my mum feels (single parent for majority of my childhood).
Melitsa - Our work lives revolve around my husband as he is bread winner and works shifts. For us it’s about backing each other up, and ensuring each other are happy, this always affects the overall happiness of our home, and in turn our daughter will obviously pick up on the atmosphere. I like our daughter to see how happy we are together and the way we are it’s a good example for her, certainly better than us fighting, arguing, and using her as a pawn, which I think is unfortunately the case is some families.
Michelle - Totally with you about how men might put their work first, women the kids. I think sometimes people think this is exactly how their priorities should be and somehow it’s outdated and old-fashioned to put your marriage first, for the good of everythingelse.
We sacrifice a lot for our children, happily.
But we won’t sacrifice our marriage. You see if we’re not happily married the kids are doomed. They’re going to be unhappy now and statistically they’re more likely to be unhappy later.
So yes, we’re first, because we’ve gotta be okay. It’s our duty to them and a much better gift than a pair of designer jeans.
I’m so glad I stumbled upon this blog and post. You’ve earned a new subscriber!
Absolutely, most definitely the adults must come first. Having children and being very busy with raising children should never cause the relationship between the adults to take a back seat. Too many parents look at each like strangers once the kids have grown and moved on with their lives, and many divorce due to “growing apart”. Heidi and Seal have it right.