Following on from ‘Socially Recognised Mothering Standards - Pregnancy, Birth & Newborn‘.

9. One should purchase the most expensive pram and swan about like a modern ‘Yummy Mummy’ during the entire first year.

10. One should lavish the child with gifts and expensive clothes, but the child should not become ’spoiled’ in the toddler years to follow.

11. Under no circumstances should you accept ‘hand me down’ or ‘gently used’ clothing or equipment. Everything must be purchased new, at great expense to one’s pocket and the environment.

12. One must decide whether they will become a ‘SAHM’ a ‘WAHM’ or a ‘Career Mum’. Neither choice will end in complete happiness and one must always express guilt. Choices are;

Guilt for staying at home: Not contributing to the homestead coffers.

Guilt for working at home: Not spending enough time with child.

Guilt for working: Leaving the child in childcare (guilt expression levels can directly correlate with your daycare fees, a general rule of thumb is: the higher the fees the less guilt required).

13. One should enrol their child in a variety of activities which should include something physical (gymnastics?), something musical (percussion?) and something academical (spanish?). This ‘regime’ should begin any time from six months but not after the child’s first birthday. One should always brag about their child’s accomplishments especially to those parents who don’t give two hoots that your 9 month old can count to ten in three languages.

14. Amongst other things your general duties should include the following;

Feed the baby (homemade only)
Change the baby
Clothe the baby (matching outfits at all times)
Play with the baby
Read with baby
Wean baby
Teach baby to walk
Give baby massage
Take baby to aforementioned activities

All must carried out in a timely fashion, with patience, whilst simultaneously working, sleeping, have some ‘me’ time, keeping the home gleaming, keeping partner happy.

One must not admit to feeling even a little frazzled.

15. One most throw a large birthday bash to celebrate the first year. Clowns, outside caterers, unicyclists, magicians may all feature. Guest numbers should be in the hundreds, the cost should break four figures. Oh, and don’t forget the bl**dy party bags!!

Just a bit of fun, but a bit of truth too, please add your own!